Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
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My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE