Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
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If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie