no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
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me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!