She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
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lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
“our sushi is very fresh”
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
found this cool rock hiking today
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening