Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
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Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
bias laundering edition
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.