Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
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Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.