Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
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WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Van Gone
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober