i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
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weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
“What?”
– Jude
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Nose
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.