If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
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so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.