I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
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Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”