My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
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Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light