Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
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A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.