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The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.