A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
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My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Smile they said.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist