Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
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I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.