Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
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I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Buying a well is money well spent.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.