HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
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According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday