my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
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[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 馃槶
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.