Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
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[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”