I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
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I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it