It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
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A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.