white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
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Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
The Onion called it…again.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Air pods looking like an angry frog
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager