Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
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me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Whisper out to librarians!
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?