If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
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[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
thanks auntie mary
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to