My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
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It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Great game to play with friends
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.