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I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
FRED: right
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?