[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
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Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
philosophical skeletons be like
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?