the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
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How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
People buying plungers never look happy.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it