haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
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Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Monday
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy