My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
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Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.