I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
You Might Also Like
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
50 shades of grey = my Liver
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ