Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
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“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Good news
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.