me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
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My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween