Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
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The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.