3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
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A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
✌️
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.