*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
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When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.