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Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”