The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
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me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.