“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
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ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Bike for sale
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.