Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
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“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
When you try jalapeños for the first time
If you know, you know 😂🚔
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka