[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
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“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?