I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
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Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.