ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
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“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*