[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
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EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I don’t get marriage
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”