Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
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We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer