[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
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People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now