If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
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I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.