Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
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Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.