I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
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Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.