“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
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Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Oh my god
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*